The hands of the Potter

It's hard to believe I haven't posted a blog since March 7! I had a great spring break after my week off from chemo...I can't believe how quickly I bounced back. The varsity girls' soccer team made it to the regional semi-finals, so we have been playing soccer until last Tuesday night which is why I haven't posted in so long...by the time the week flies by and the weekend gets here, I am POOPED!

I haven't been going to church very much because I feel so terrible on the weekends that the LAST thing I want to do is get dressed and put on makeup. I know God doesn't care, but I don't want to scare people! My eyelashes and eyebrows are gone with the rest of my hair and I think I look pretty scary without a little touchup. Anyway, we have been watching Joel Osteen (New Lakewood church in Houston) and Micah Davidson (Real Life Fellowship in Corpus) every Sunday morning. I had been thinking about this blog for a week or so and knew what I wanted to express to you, and then Joel Osteen had a sermon about this very thing! The basic idea (which is contrary to my understanding of Methodist doctrine and causing some inner conflict) is that God indeed does test you...which is understandably how I have been feeling. I don't mean this in a bad way and I am not at all angry with God, although all of this does make me tired, but how in the world would you know if you are growing spiritually if there isn't some conflict?

I really believe our true character reveals itself when times are pretty tough and our backs are against the wall. Sometimes we really need to see that inner character - and compare it to the character we used to be. Isn't it pretty easy to be happy and nice to everyone when things are going our way? We are comfortable slipping the homeless guy at the intersection a little extra cash and some bottled water. We throw in with the salvation army when have the comfort of cash in our pockets and we know the ATM is right next door. When I am certain of my next paycheck, I am generous...but what happens when I am not sure? Do I feed my brother or house my sister when I cannot really feed or house my own family?

What does it really mean to love my neighbor? Do I love him just like family? Maybe that's not such a good thing for him! Do I give to him until I have nothing, or until I think that's enough? Do I give all and decide God will provide? Do I give some and decide that's all I will provide?

Faron and I have been going through what most people would consider an unbelievable experience, especially since we live in the great 'ole US of A. When we decided to move from Houston to Portland, out timing was way WRONG. We couldn't buy a house when we moved there because the market was so strong, but then we couldn't sell in Houston when we wanted to move home because the market was saturated. So we found a couple that we really thought was the answer to a prayer for both of us. They had been treated unscrupulously by other people and just wanted to buy a house in a nice neighbothood (or so we thought). We just wanted to sell to some nice people and not have to make two house payments.

About a year ago, the man - who was the only breadwinner in the family - had a heart attack. He had been at his new job less than a year, so missing work definitely affected his income and they got behind in their rent payment. Faron and I truly struggled over when we would pursue eviction - we just couldn't afford two house payments for very long, but felt terrible about evicting them. Thank God we had the good sense to buy our little (I mean little) cabana in Portland! After LOTS of prayers by all of us, some charities stepped up and helped them out until they could get back on their feet and we came to an agreement about how they could get caught up in back rent over time.

Last September, they had another setback and could not pay October rent. Apparently the wife had a recurrence of cancer and since they had to let insurance expire they had no coverage. We didn't know this until they could not make their October payment. Again, we felt so terrible, we left them alone and they paid November, but then everything fell apart and we had to start the eviction process. At least, that's how we felt...but again, What does it really mean to love your neighbor?

Here is a little something you may not know: if your renters file for bankrupcy, all eviction proceedings come to a screeching halt until you HIRE a LAWYER and go to court to get you and your house removed from bankrupcy protection, which takes about another two months. Keep in mind that we didn't start eviction proceedings immediately - and they waited until the day Faron drove all the way to Houston for the eviction hearing to file bankrupcy.

The windup is that it took us almost six months to get them out of our house (where they have been living rent free) and I am having a hard time remembering to love my neighbor! I am definitely frustrated with our legal system and had been seriously considering some form of civil disobedience - thank goodness it didn't come to that! (Thanks Tom Bridges)

I am sharing all of this so you will know that we have been under some serious stress over the last six months which has given us the opportunity to reflect on our character. James 1:12 says "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." Isaiah 48:10 tells us "I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this."

For any of you who knew me even several years ago, I want to apologize and assure you I am not the same person I was thanks to Jesus Christ. The person I was would have found some way to exact revenge on the people living in my house rent free for six months. The person I was would have freaked out over the return of cancer and probably had a major meltdown. The person I was would have stayed up every night worrying about how the bills would have been payed and worrying about if I was even going to have a future.

The person I am prayed for the people living in my house rent free...the person I am laughed when I found out I had cancer again and rejoiced that I had so many new sisters-in-Christ during this time of struggle...the person I now am clings to words from the Bible such as Jeremiah 29 verse 11 - - - "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

God bless you all - God loves you all! Kelli

Of course I am grateful...but He gets to choose!

This picture (of my wonderful sister-in-law and me) was taken in front of the "tree sculpture" in the new building at MD Anderson. The building is incredibly beautiful and comfortable. There are recliners and couches and books and magazines and ice/water dispensers everywhere...every floor has a patio with awesome landscaping. I am not saying there is money in cancer treatment, but I would take out a life insurance policy on anyone who actually discovered a cure for cancer.

This last week (two weeks ago by now - sorry) has been interesting...I was so sick that I wasn't allowed to do chemo. Consequently, I felt GREAT all weekend. I spent most of my time doing something I love - playing in my yard: repotting plants, trimming trees, planting herbs, and cleaning off our back deck. I told Faron I didn't want to do anymore chemo - I forgot what feeling good feels like. He said I can not feel like it all I want to - I'm still gonna! Which brings me to the reason I am posting...The fact that my cancer is responding to treatment is obviously an incredible blessing, but several people have commented that I don't seem as thrilled as they are with the news. Here is my thought evolution...

I have been prayed for/over by the faithful - the whole thing - laying on of hands...praying at the alter...prayed for during "Dying Moments (De Colores!)" - very powerful stuff. I know I am on the prayer list of almost every church in our area, as well as Arkansas, west Houston, the hill country, and according to my aunt Janet, the entire east coast. I was kind of prepared for my doctor to tell me that they couldn't find any trace of cancer and it must be a miracle. Just before we went to Houston, I had someone ask me if I was nervous at all about the results and I honestly answered "no" because I was certain God was healing me...and He is!

But the thought of going through 12 more weeks of chemo makes me tired, especially since I had such a wonderful weekend and remember how great it is to feel great. I know, I know, I know! But I am tired of feeling like I am getting the flu every weekend, not being able to taste food, having my fingers and toes hurt, feeling queasy, and just wanting to sleep. Being bald doesn't even bother me , it's just the rest!

I am reminded of a comment I made while being interviewed for a series by Betty Reese Freberg called The Tenth Woman. The series is based on a book she wrote years ago called Ten Women of God. Just a little background...Betty is the mother of a very good friend of mine from high school (who came down to see me for spring break! What a blessing and a blast!) Anyway, I was definitely NOT a Christian in high school and I really thought her mother was crazy. I knew my friend was a Christian, but I always let her know I wasn’t interested. I have to tell you that she came by her religion honestly, because her mother was an absolute NUT about Jesus! Every time I went to her house, I would literally hide from her mother because I didn’t want to talk about Jesus.

I vividly remember the day my friend announced, “Guess what? Jesus told my mom to write a book.” To which I responded “Really?” (Thinking "suuuure she will") And she responded, “yes, and I think she’s really going to do it.” You need to know that I was honestly appalled and simply could not believe that a woman who I know darn good and well had never written anything before in her life was going to write a book. Quite frankly, I was a bit embarrassed for her because, at the time, I had no confidence that Jesus existed and could really only guess at what voices were telling her to write a book. What was she thinking?

The windup, of course, is that Betty Reese Freberg did indeed write that book, which lead to her Tenth Woman video series, which led to a second video/dvd in the series, which led to me as I was undergoing my first round of breast cancer treatments in 2002. Betty asked me if she could interview me for possible use in a upcoming series and we agreed to do the interview - without a hat. Of course we had to spend quite a bit of time laughing at me - I would never had believed all those years ago that I would be willing to talk about my relationship with Jesus - on camera! The whole process was a tremendous amount of fun and I will always be grateful to Betty for letting me share my story. Anyway, there is a part of it that gives me strength today because I still believe it today... I was talking about why I wasn't really scared or anxious and made some kind of comment about how God really gets to choose how all this cancer business ends.

There are things in life that we pray for because we really want them to happen...but whether they do or don't,we still have to have remember that our creator gets to choose and that he loves us and will choose for us more wisely that we could ever choose for ourselves.

So to wrap this up, I guess I was a little disappointed that I was only about half way done...but I have faith that I am doing this for a reason and I have confidence that the reason includes providing hope for others who are facing the same ordeal - He keeps sending me people and HE GETS TO CHOOSE. Sometimes I really don't feel like talking to someone for 30 minutes at HEB or Wal-Mart or the car wash or the gas station, but then I remember that He gets to choose and the time I spend with them is so much more important than whatever else I thought I was in such a hurry to go do. This is His world and we are truly just passing through.

God bless you all - especially Liz who drove all the way down to Portland from Lewisville just to sit around and chat and help me with some ovedue chores, and to her mother to giving me the gift of laughter and gratitude every time I watch "my" video! I love you both. IF anyone wants information about a tenth woman rally at their church, go to www.thetenthwoman.com. If nothing else, click on the poem - I carry it around.

God bless you all as you have been such a blessing to me! Much love ! kelli