Of course I am grateful...but He gets to choose!

This picture (of my wonderful sister-in-law and me) was taken in front of the "tree sculpture" in the new building at MD Anderson. The building is incredibly beautiful and comfortable. There are recliners and couches and books and magazines and ice/water dispensers everywhere...every floor has a patio with awesome landscaping. I am not saying there is money in cancer treatment, but I would take out a life insurance policy on anyone who actually discovered a cure for cancer.

This last week (two weeks ago by now - sorry) has been interesting...I was so sick that I wasn't allowed to do chemo. Consequently, I felt GREAT all weekend. I spent most of my time doing something I love - playing in my yard: repotting plants, trimming trees, planting herbs, and cleaning off our back deck. I told Faron I didn't want to do anymore chemo - I forgot what feeling good feels like. He said I can not feel like it all I want to - I'm still gonna! Which brings me to the reason I am posting...The fact that my cancer is responding to treatment is obviously an incredible blessing, but several people have commented that I don't seem as thrilled as they are with the news. Here is my thought evolution...

I have been prayed for/over by the faithful - the whole thing - laying on of hands...praying at the alter...prayed for during "Dying Moments (De Colores!)" - very powerful stuff. I know I am on the prayer list of almost every church in our area, as well as Arkansas, west Houston, the hill country, and according to my aunt Janet, the entire east coast. I was kind of prepared for my doctor to tell me that they couldn't find any trace of cancer and it must be a miracle. Just before we went to Houston, I had someone ask me if I was nervous at all about the results and I honestly answered "no" because I was certain God was healing me...and He is!

But the thought of going through 12 more weeks of chemo makes me tired, especially since I had such a wonderful weekend and remember how great it is to feel great. I know, I know, I know! But I am tired of feeling like I am getting the flu every weekend, not being able to taste food, having my fingers and toes hurt, feeling queasy, and just wanting to sleep. Being bald doesn't even bother me , it's just the rest!

I am reminded of a comment I made while being interviewed for a series by Betty Reese Freberg called The Tenth Woman. The series is based on a book she wrote years ago called Ten Women of God. Just a little background...Betty is the mother of a very good friend of mine from high school (who came down to see me for spring break! What a blessing and a blast!) Anyway, I was definitely NOT a Christian in high school and I really thought her mother was crazy. I knew my friend was a Christian, but I always let her know I wasn’t interested. I have to tell you that she came by her religion honestly, because her mother was an absolute NUT about Jesus! Every time I went to her house, I would literally hide from her mother because I didn’t want to talk about Jesus.

I vividly remember the day my friend announced, “Guess what? Jesus told my mom to write a book.” To which I responded “Really?” (Thinking "suuuure she will") And she responded, “yes, and I think she’s really going to do it.” You need to know that I was honestly appalled and simply could not believe that a woman who I know darn good and well had never written anything before in her life was going to write a book. Quite frankly, I was a bit embarrassed for her because, at the time, I had no confidence that Jesus existed and could really only guess at what voices were telling her to write a book. What was she thinking?

The windup, of course, is that Betty Reese Freberg did indeed write that book, which lead to her Tenth Woman video series, which led to a second video/dvd in the series, which led to me as I was undergoing my first round of breast cancer treatments in 2002. Betty asked me if she could interview me for possible use in a upcoming series and we agreed to do the interview - without a hat. Of course we had to spend quite a bit of time laughing at me - I would never had believed all those years ago that I would be willing to talk about my relationship with Jesus - on camera! The whole process was a tremendous amount of fun and I will always be grateful to Betty for letting me share my story. Anyway, there is a part of it that gives me strength today because I still believe it today... I was talking about why I wasn't really scared or anxious and made some kind of comment about how God really gets to choose how all this cancer business ends.

There are things in life that we pray for because we really want them to happen...but whether they do or don't,we still have to have remember that our creator gets to choose and that he loves us and will choose for us more wisely that we could ever choose for ourselves.

So to wrap this up, I guess I was a little disappointed that I was only about half way done...but I have faith that I am doing this for a reason and I have confidence that the reason includes providing hope for others who are facing the same ordeal - He keeps sending me people and HE GETS TO CHOOSE. Sometimes I really don't feel like talking to someone for 30 minutes at HEB or Wal-Mart or the car wash or the gas station, but then I remember that He gets to choose and the time I spend with them is so much more important than whatever else I thought I was in such a hurry to go do. This is His world and we are truly just passing through.

God bless you all - especially Liz who drove all the way down to Portland from Lewisville just to sit around and chat and help me with some ovedue chores, and to her mother to giving me the gift of laughter and gratitude every time I watch "my" video! I love you both. IF anyone wants information about a tenth woman rally at their church, go to www.thetenthwoman.com. If nothing else, click on the poem - I carry it around.

God bless you all as you have been such a blessing to me! Much love ! kelli