Quiet Time

(I started this post on the 18th, but finished on the 31st)

I am observing some quiet time today. I have been fasting, praying, and studying the Bible looking for answers. As I mentioned last time, my doctor is not optimistic about my time left here. I asked what he would advise me if I were his daughter and he carefully told me he would advise her to quit all treatments, go home and take care of herself, and enjoy her time left. Of course I ignored all that and started a new medication yesterday, but there are some philosophical points to consider.

God rarely performs miracles without an act of faith first.

In I Kings Chapter 17 we find Elijah traveling to Zarephath of Sidon to look for a widow to supply him with food. (Background: Ahad, son of Omri was king of Israel and did "more evil in the eyes of the LORD than any of those before him" 16:30. So Elijah tells Ahab, "As the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word." 17:1). You get the picture.

So Elijah finds the woman and asks her for water and bread. She tells him she doesn't have any bread - just some flour in a jar. She is gathering sticks to make a meal for herself and her son "that we may eat it - and die."17:12.

Elijah tells her not to be afraid, to go home and do as she said she would, BUT FIRST "make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, THEN make something for yourself and your son." 17:13. He then tells her that God says "The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD gives rain on the land."17:14 According to the Bible, the flour was not used up and the oil did not run dry. Miracle. But what is interesting to me is the behavior of the woman. Would I have given my last bit of food away and believed that God would provide more? Would I really? I notice that God does not provide until she woman feeds Elijah. She has to feed him FIRST. She has to show belief first.

In the third and fourth chapters of Joshua, we read about how the nation of Israel crossed the Jordan river into the land God promised them. We read that the Jordan was in flood stage. "Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. " 3:15-16. Isn't it interesting that the water did not stop flowing until they put their feet in it? Would I readily walk into a river at flood stage carrying the most holy object on earth? Really?

In Joshua chapter 6 we learn that the Lord delivered Jericho to the Israelites, but not immediately. First they had to march around the city once a day for six days. Then on the seventh day they had to march around the city seven times, carrying the ark and blowing horns. You know the story. Why didn't God just deliver the city to them when they got there?

The new testament is full of acts of faith, although I am not as impressed with the faith of the multitudes of sick because they witnessed Jesus' healing. But in Matthew 9:20 a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years said to herself "If only I can touch his cloak, I will be healed" as she touched his cloak. Jesus said to her "Take heart, daughter,...your faith has healed you."Later in verses 27-30 Jesus heals some blind men. Before he heals them he asks "Do you believe that I am able to do this"?

In Matthew 15:21-28 is the story of the Canaanite woman who pleads with Jesus to heal her demon-possessed daughter. At first he refuses, but relents in the end telling her "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted."

In Matthew 17:14-21 the disciples cannot drive a demon out of a little boy. When they ask Jesus why they couldn't do it, he replies "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Anyway, especially lately, I am wondering why in the world I am still getting treated for cancer?

Much love,
Kelli

Just call me George Bailey

My two favorite Christmas movies are "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Carol" (with Alister somebody - black and white version). This year we sat down as a family and watched It's a Wonderful Life together from start to finish. It was wonderful family time and no small feat - it's a long movie!

Many of you have read my previous posts where I talk about God acting through others to provide for our needs. I am by nature a creature who craves certainty. God, in His infinite wisdom, gave me a mate who craves uncertainty and we have one of the best marriages I have ever seen. Although Faron has been a great influence on me, I still CRAVE CERTAINTY. It is very difficult for me to let go and let God, but I figure God made me this way, so He can't be too upset as I struggle.

When I had to go on disability and I was very uncertain about when benefits would start, when and by how much my insurance premiums would increase, how much money I would actually be bringing home, how much I would be paying MD Anderson, (you get the idea) - God provided. First through my Humble HS family (caps for Kelli), then through some great friends who donated anonymously, then through my G-PHS family (Wildcats are apparently EXTREMELY generous), and then again through my Humble family with jean week (teachers pay to wear jeans all week) and hat day for the kids (the kids pay to wear a hat all day). I really do feel like George Bailey at the end of the movie. First because, well, it IS A WONDERFUL LIFE. Secondly, because I am completely overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and generosity of so many people. I had no idea so many people were aware of our situation and CARED enough to help out. The only word I can think of is overwhelmed. Thank you all so very much. I truly feel like the richest woman in Texas!

If you are reading this blog and feeling compelled to send money - STOP! God has met our financial needs and all of the uncertainty has resolved itself such that we can accurately budget and forecast. We have been blessed again and again. What we need now from everyone is PRAYER.

My doctor is not optimistic about my time left here with you all. I will post more on that next time. Right now I am enjoying being overwhelmed and not interested in letting anyone rain on my parade.

Love to you all!
Kelli

Miracles

Last week was a rough one, but in the end I was able to have the chemo that will hopefully stop the growth of the tumors in my brain. Had the chemo on Saturday - January1. What a way to bring in the new year!

I have started this blog twice and not finished it because I am not sure how to relate the miracles that God has performed for me in a delicate way. However, I am so grateful to Him that I cannot let this go by without a public praise. Hopefully this will inspire others that God does listen and He is interested in the "small" stuff.

Just to catch you up - over Christmas we noticed some advancement in the symptoms related to the tumors in my brain. Specifically, my left eye no longer closes all the way. I sent an email to my brain Dr. and they started scheduling tests right away so I could start the brain chemo ASAP.

On Wednesday I had an ommaya tap (insert needle, take out spinal fluid for testing), a cisternogram dose and 2 cisternograms (inject a tracer into spinal fluid and take 2 pictures to see how fluid flows and make sure there is no blockage). Then on Thursday I returned for 2 more cisternpgrams (pictures) and an MRI of my entire spine.

Here is where God comes in. If you have a queasy stomach, just skip this paragraph. One of the side effects of both of the chemos I am taking is diarrhea. Very often there is absolutely no warning. Based on having a chemo on Saturday, I knew by Thursday there were going to be some issues. I could just imagine an incident all over one of their very expensive machines. Sorry for the visual, but I was stressed! The two cisternograms on Thursday were 25 minutes each and the spine MRI was two hours. I prayed Wednesday night that God would just handle all the timing so that I didn't embarrass myself - and He did! I had an hour and a half window between the last cisternogram and the MRI and KABOOM! I know this may seem trivial to you, but I assure you it was not trivial to me and I was quite relieved (pun intended).

As you can imagine, I was quite happy as I was called into the MRI room - until they had me lie on the table. Remember that I had had a needle inserted into my spine the day before. It hurt, but wasn't all that bad. Then I had to lie on a table 4 times for the cisternogram pictures and I felt just fine. Now, however, I could not lie down. The pain was so bad in my lower back, I just couldn't do it. How was I going to be still for 2 hours when I couldn't be still for 2 minutes??

I kind of started crying because I was frustrated, but I asked the technician to just give me a few minutes and I started praying. I told Jesus if I was not supposed to have this brain chemo - fine. I would get up and leave. But if he wanted me to have it, he had to take away the pain. I have a sort of Jesus chant I do sometimes. This one was along the lines of Help Me Jesus. I was slowly able to lie back down. My lower back quit hurting - no kidding. There were times during the test that it would start to hurt again, so I would focus on Jesus and the pain would go away.

After the test it hurt so bad I had to lie down in the back seat of the truck all the way home and lie on my side for the rest of the evening. It still hurts if I sit the wrong way.

You can think what you want, but I am telling you I experienced some miracles from God.

Happy New Year!
Kelli